Finally visited the trainers again today....You'd think, the way people act, that I was lazy or somethin!! Ok, I know I can slack off a bit, but, I'm really gonna try now, to get stronger. Don't mean I'm going to ignore people, or not sing or hang out in the taverns anymore-just that, I'm going to try and devote a bit more time to training. I think, it ought to help me find out a bit more of who I am.
I talked with Shir some more...well, actually, she stole my plat bag and then poofed away!! Then, when I tried to poke her with the butt end of my dagger, she turned it to dust!! She is so fun to be around though....but, while I was talking, she grew a bit distant....I wonder why? I asked her later if she was ok, but she didn't really answer...
Maybe I can ask her tomorrow...

I spoke with Shir for quite awhile today....it was a bit..different than I expected. I always thought she was this poofer, full of energy and wit, sharp and dry....but, she is ever so gentle and kind.

We had a nice 'girly talk'. Truly, think we should do it more often!! Training? Phffft-why do that when we can talk!! But, honestly, her words meant alot to me....perhaps I am looking for something so hard, that I don't see what is right in front of me...or, that I just ignore the part that is really me. So, I think I'll take her advice, and look for myself....who is Skye, besides a Bard and a Rogue? For long, I have clung to those titles like a lifeline....well, now I'll find out who is there besides that.

Bleh...back to training then!!! Almost to 29!!!!

....Halfway there, I'm halfway to making my next level. Though I've gone through so many salves, and Bir had to help me with some , I'll soon make it....

*sits and stares for a long time at the paper*

Well, guess I should do something useful...I'll go train again...

I think I broke him....
I had hoped, maybe, that it would all end up fine....
But, I do it again, trailing broken hearts in my wake....

Why is there no one who can tell me, STOP IT!! Stop doing this to people, stop hurting their hearts! He just had to ask me, though, if I loved him...I'm sorry Trip, I thought I did...but, I was still just hurting, and I wanted so badly to feel safe again.

Just as my heart begins to feel again, as it begins to reach out....No, I shall shut it down, I won't listen to it anymore. Now, I only feel more guilty that he wanted to know if I loved him, when I was beginning to think I may love someone else....

Don't touch,
If you don't reach out,
you can't make a mistake.

Don't feel,
Let the cold take
over everything.

I hate feeling this way. I hate the drama, the pain, smiling when I don't feel like it. So sick of it....so sick of all of it...

*sighs softly* I hope I can be around more soon....I'm going to be away for a few days. There are a few things I need to think out, and see if they really mean anything to me. Things I need to understand better, mostly my heart.......

So, look for me soon, my friends and family. I can't wait to see your faces again...

I need to be more serious about training...so, this nite I have worked a third of the way to my next level. Its awfully hard work, but I need to be stronger...for many reasons...

Bleh...there I go, not paying attention and getting all cut again...good thing Nas gave me those salves!

I've been so out of it at times lately...Elly needed someone to talk to, to help comfort her....and I cracked. I panicked. She was upset, about Pallas not letting her heal his wounds, which I am sure he only wished to spare her the extra effort, with her wearing herself out and all. She may say she would die for him, but I don't think he would want that to happen when he could probably just as easily get to a cleric in the town when she's tired!! But, she started screaming when I said that...and, my mind wandering, preoccupied...I went into a panic. Like how I was in the village, a wild child, the orphan no one wanted to take care of. People would shout, and I would run...it scared me. I thought that part of me was gone...but, I guess that all these raids and such have begun to wear on me.

So, I ran away....and she needed me....

Something that sort of came to me, in all my time of thinking and talking with others...

Life comes and goes,
ebbs and flows,
and nobody knows....

Questions without answers,
growing like cancers....

Do we dare to reach out,
because our heart does shout?
Dare to care?
Dare to share...
...love, and hope
or alone you cope?

Don't want to sink,
don't want to fall.
Afraid to blink,
and lose it all.

...Don't ask me why I thought of it, I don't even really know. It wasn't because I myself felt this way, but more, rather that a friend seems to feel this way...and, because I don't think alienating yourself from everyone is an answer....because, one day, in the blink of an eye, you may come to realize that what you sought was there, and you've only wasted time.

Another trip to the trainer....28 times....already?? Or, has it seemed like forever? At times, it is both and my mind is caught in the conflict, of how long I have lived here in Valorn...lived here...my home.

I feel stronger....there is something to knowing that you will always have friends, and yet, knowing that I am a lone wolf....a strength, and a weakness both, I do think. But, rather than being constantly torn, it is nice to know a bit of peace in my heart.

Not much has happened, besides my attack on the trodden village...I would have trained down the Wall, but I didn't want to bother any clerics or enchanters for blessings, and the ogres are much more...simple minded, I think the best word is.

I want to be stronger....I want to be able to help in raids...

Do they never end?

Everytime I wake up, fitfully, another call to arms, another raid. The wretched ant tunnels, there are more larvae coming out, as well. I only just made it in time to hear the High Queen speak, about what we should do. I listened for awhile, tried to get a feel for the discussion...like I told her Majesty, I'm a rogue, no tactician!! I offered my strength, my eyes to her, since I doubt I can fight much against the ants. She told me something, too...that, even if I cannot fight some enemies, she can always use more scouts to see what else might be going on. I gladly offered my service to her in that way, I really want to help.

My leg, I have deemed healed, even if it does ache a bit. Well, it only aches when I train, probably cause I'm doing more than Amzer would recommend....him worrying again! I have to be strong though, and that won' t happen if I sit around all the time!

Days have been...crazy, though....*places a white rose in the pages and shakes her head*

Well, I was gonna look after Ary...she seemed, not so well, and Amzer was with Shir....but, I've gotten here, and now I'm all tired myself....

I feel so much stronger...

The gods blessing, a gift for performing in celebration of Viscontessa Miranda, for celebrating her efforts for our land, is a grand gift, a heady wine....my leg is forgotten as I headed off to the trodden village, my promise to Amzer forgotten in the strength I felt, and the pride. I had finished last, singing a song....and the Viscontessa smiled!! I felt glad to be able to do something, since Amzer and Trip wouldn't let me fight, at could at least do something useful...

It was frightening, though, to sit there, and hear some of the cries calls...but, it died down....the raids slowed as Cory and Miranda prepared to leave. That blessing though, it made me feel myself again....

*thinks to her dance of death, whirling around the ogre agilely, aches and pains forgotten, only her and the extension of her arm that was her sword*

But, it didn't last very long at all...the blessing left me, almost akin to blood flowing from a wound, and I staggered, spent....I left the village quickly and found a portal to Bran...


I do feel different, though....better. Amzer talked sense into me, well as much sense as a rogue can hold I suppose. I won't be with Trip, I won't be with Ryann....I'll be with myself. I won't run away, here I'll stay.

I don't think I can take sitting here anymore though....should anymore raids come along, I think I should fight, no matter what Amzer says....

I can't do that. I can't stay with him, knowing that Ermin will be sitting somewhere else, her heart bleeding.

I can't stand it. I can't stand to look into the water and see this face stare back...this face that some would deem fair, even lovely. I wish that face would go away.

Like I told Amzer....I am shattered. I feel guilty for being so; I should be trying to fix this all, trying to help, instead of running away.

But I crave the darkness....the tunnels, my sanctuary. I feel hypocritical, for ignoring the lessons I told Amzer long ago, but I can't help it. I will sit here, by the sounds of the sea, until I come to some answers.

It is cold, and damp...but, it is safe, from everyone....

And, I can decide....should I truly stay here.......?

*stares blankly at the pages before writing slowly*
I didn't think I meant that much to everyone...I can barely remember who all even came, I know Elly and Kira were there....Ary, Ria, Shawna...I think Pallas came, later....all of them, came for me....

Ria was right, I wasn't doing anything good by trying to get up....trying to get away. I just feel so trapped here....where they took me to heal. And, I can't escape the messages, some of them I want to see....other ones, I don't.....

What do I do?? Ermin is back, my best friend.....what do I tell her about Trip? How can I tell her what all has happened and not drive her away?? What do I do?? I can't even get up to escape, what do I do??!!??

Just sit here, I guess....and probably regret telling Ria I wouldn't get up......

I must be nothing more than a bone, tossed to two starving dogs......all the growling, the snipping-it could be the same.

Is that all I am? So token, to be so fought over? Or, is it just him, just Ryann, who has to go around and stir it all up.....or is it truly me?? Me....that is the real problem...it really is me...isn't it?

I can't blame it on anyone else, so I'll blame it on myself.....Ignore him, Shawna said....and I can't, because I can't stand it, can't stand all the drama of it, the pain and sorrow, and love.......There is no way I could ever go back to Ryann...but, do I even deserve to be with Trip?? Do I deserve anyone.....do I deserve love......

Trip had to leave, he apologized....but, Ryann wouldn't stop....so I ran, and ended up shooting out of the cannon....I didn't think I was actually alive at first, but that much pain must mean I was alive....and just keep running, toward the tunnels, toward safety.....

but I'm lost....can't find them....

Always there, to catch me when I fell...

How blind I had been, to not see it in his every action. How he followed me to Ryndal, when he knew Ryann was coming after me. How we talked, in the Inn that night when he layed down his old diamond ring...when we talked over Ermin, and how we think we shall never see her again. How he listened to me, as I poured out my troubles, as I cried out from the pain in my heart...and he took it all in, and comforted me. How he chided me when I didn't take care of myself...how angry he was when I said I had been a street urchin....All that, and yet it took only a few words to make me really see it...

He said I looked beautiful, that night....and that night, it dawned on me. I sat and thought about it, while I layed in the guildhall, recovering my breath from the smoke. His smile, his strength.....his dedication, his kindness....his love.

And I knew, in all the days we had talked, we had shared a bit of ourselves, that we had grown closer.....and, just a friendship had turned into something more.....

Finally!!! I trained enough to go visit the trainers...It took me so long....so many troubles to work through, so many difficulties. But, I made it...I wish Yulan had been there to see it, or Shawna or Trip...or Bowz or oh! I wanted to shout it to all of them, the whole guild, all my friends!! I finally made it, me, the lazy singing rogue!!!

Ye gods, what a night that was!!
I dressed up all nice and everything, to go to Asrai's party, the opening of her tavern. It was so much fun-Agua had some limericks and songs, I played a song to break the ice a bit. Trip came, and Shawna did too. Oh, and we even played a game of charades-which I've never played before!! It was so silly, and fun-when Sreip was acting out a mountain bear, she roared at Shawna, and she fell over and knocked me down!! Trip caught me, though....
I won a trip to Ethucan for guessing right, and some plat too-at this rate, I'll never have to farm!!
Trip left at one point-he's not awfully fond of crowds. The party died down after a bit, and he came back, but he had to go rest soon after....he said I looked beautiful...

But then, just after Asrai was accepted into AVE, right as we were all celebrating and such, Hacken smelled something from the kitchen upstairs. Asrai rushed up, as did a few more people...so, naturally curious, I went to-the whole kitchen was on fire!! Smoke and flames-we were all coughing, and we went downstairs again. We didn't leave, we were all scared, but we thought the kitchen was all that would burn....but, it didn't. The flames spread, crawling down the walls from the ceiling, eating everything away....rather quickly, too. We all rushed toward the door, someone grabbed Edmund...but, I was coughing and I couldn't see....I couldn't find the door. I reached my hand out, hunched over as I ran, since I heard Hacken shouting to get out, but I grabbed a hot cinder instead. I yelped, and I think Asrai found me then and took me outside. Shawna was so worried...she had thought I was right behind her!! She made Asrai heal my hand up right away. I don't think I've ever seen her so worried...My throat hurt though, and I couldn't stop coughing, so I went to bed....I didn't even get to sing the song I wrote...

Time is running out, and I still can't figure out what to write for my song!! Oh, I really wish Aryana would be there....I mean, I don't even know Asrai that well, how can I write a song about her and the guild for the party? I've been working on it since Doors told us..which wasn't all that long ago, now that I think about it....well, this is all I have...maybe I just shouldn't show up and save myself the embaressment...

~A lady of strength untold~
~And a guild, members with hearts of gold~
*So strong together, so strong forever*
~Friends and family so close you hold~
*Never will the two part*
*Though their story is far from the start*
~The story must still unfold~
~So another day passed, another one gone~
*As each day comes, another days dawn*
~Memories together in the future drawn~
*And as each challenge comes to pass*
~Together I know, you'll always stand fast~

See....wretched!!! I don't even have a title for it.....

**holds a very fine jewel in her hands, gazing at it thoughtfully**

There is something so right about the comradeship that can be shared in a full Inn...too bad it takes the Vincontessa to fill it up...
I walked into the Inn all unprepared, and the sheer number of people gathered in there....it was so full!! I didn't think I'd see a familiar face, nor would I be able to find a seat...and, I felt the old shyness come back, the part of me that didn't know how to act, that old piece I hide away, the one who wasn't always ready to please, nor willing to play......but, my gaze fell on the Vincontessa, and she looked so regal sitting there, so calm...that I felt calm, too.
Just as I walked in, Lord Talisk began to tell a tale, and I found Ary and sat down, comforted by a familiar face. Remy then sang a song, was a nice little ditty about the swamp-the Vincontessa seemed pleased, and gave him a box....wonder what was inside? Then, Az told one of her tales...lovely, as always....And then, I offered to sing...I wondered for a second, did I really say that? Fool!! What are you thinking, to sing in front of a goddess!! But, Ary offered to play her lute for me, and the Vincontessa seemed to want to hear...so, I sang a song I wrote ages ago, about hope....I was so nervous, but I guess we did ok, because she gave me and Ary these lovely very fine jewels...maybe I'll get it made into a necklace?? Dunno, but it was so...fun, it made me feel so alive again....Well, I'd better go finish the song for the party tomorrow....

Sometimes, we all just need to sit, and think...sometimes the thinking is too much for us.
I think it helped, though, that me and Ary went to the baths and relaxed...I'd gotten the idea from Shawna, and I think it helped her sore side wonderfully. Idria's salve helped too, I do believe. I know it worked wonders for me.....

But, I think just sitting there, and talking about it, helped leech away some of the pain. I truly hope I did help Ary-because, I think we are both dealing with a little bit of our own guilt...I know I had still felt guilty, as though I had somehow caused him to leave her...but, I know now that isn't true...And, I hope she knows now that it wasn't her fault at all either....Like we both said....not healed, but healing...

Doors asked to talk to me, and the other Travelling Bards yesterday eve...t'was the first I'd heard from him in a long time!! He talked about the party for Asrai-whom, I don't actually know all that well....But, me and Ary are both gonna work on a song for the party, and hopefully, we will both be able to make it there!!

Too tired...stayed up to late...have more to write, tomorrow....

I wonder....does he know how much it means to me, for him to sit and just listen? It is so quiet in there, peaceful...almost as though it is not in the normal realm of time...

Last night, he listened-just listened to me there...and I listened a bit too. He does worry me though, he worries alot of the guild, I think...he has become so distant, he doesn't reach out for help. And after a bit of what he told me, I think I can understand a bit of his reason, but what about his two sisters that worry for him? And what about me? I worry about him....he is my rogue officer, and a dear friend....while he was..away...it felt empty. I had grown used to being one of the few rogues around in the guild, used to running around and opening doors, TBs and more...not that I didn't mind! I'm always willing to help out....but, I think all the guild does miss him...

I wish he would just tell me more...I had started to get him to talk a bit, though he is still so...secretive. We were just sitting there, Ary off to the corner sleeping...but, then I got a note...from Ryann....I almost couldn't believe the words....he still loved me, and wanted to be together..!!! Did he not realize how much he hurt me? Did he think I would welcome him back with open arms? No way could I do that, not after how he had hurt Ary, Idria and me...there was no way I could...But, there is still that soft spot in me, that part that craves that love, that wants to be held. But, Ryann has utterly destroyed that for us. He has betrayed it so utterly....

I admit it, it shook me badly....I went to sleep to dodge the choices that would be made, to escape the pain and...just to escape feeling at all....but, only nitemares greeted me...

Urg....I have the worst headache now.....

I ran into Elly and Pallas at the LM....they looked so sweet together, I didn't want to intrude...
And, it was a bittersweet feeling....I love them both dearly, but my heart is still raw....

So I went to go train...finallly!!! I farm alot, as it requires almost no thought, but I needed a distraction. So off I headed, toward the trodden village to take on those dim witted ogres.
Unfortunately, they were smarter than I realized...And I was more tired than I cared to admit. I was probably far too weary to be training, but there you go, stubborn rogue...

So, back at the LM with Pallas and Elly!! I think I mumbled something, and dozed off a bit. Then, I tried to take a few steps toward the beach...I think I saw Trip??....before I collapsed. And so now, I wake up, foolish and with a dreadful headache....

I hadn't a chance to write what else happened yesterday...

Its been so long, since I'd even talked to Elly...I feel bad, that at a point of her lowest time, I neglected to talk, to ask her how she was doing-then, all this happened....what would I do without such friends...

**a purple rain lily is tucked into the pages**



But, when I was hiding in the tunnels, from what Bowz fondly refers to as 'soup'...Just working on songs, journal and such, Trip decided to stop by-he wanted to hear a song...How long since I have played, journal? Oh, it felt good...to immerse myself in the song, to soothe away pain...how simple it felt, simply perfect to play and sing....

Everyone has been telling me, that I am so strong, that I have dealt with this so well....
But, I don't think they truly understand...Like, if I was stronger, maybe it wouldn't have gone so far out of hand. Like, if I was stronger, I would have discovered ages ago that Ryann's love is so carelessly given...But, everyone is supposed to make mistakes-no one is perfect, right??

But, sitting and thinking, alone at the guildhall, I've come to realize some things....some things I'd forgotten. I thought I had to have that sort of love, to be happy...But, I have the love of so many more..my sis, Shawna, my dear guild-Leila, Val, Jarasel, Bowz, Coral, Shadow, Nas, even new members like Agrippa and all his brothers...and of course, Yulan, as well as Luthi-oh, and all of them!!! And now, Idria, wants me to be her sister! Imagine that...she's a wise little thing, though my heart goes out to her for what she has faced...and my anger burns for him who has cause this.
Then, there are the others I care for, my dear friends...Elly, Trip, Aryana...I'm amazed at how many people were concered for me, who sent me messages of comfort...who thought I had such a big impact, that so many people heard of this yesterday, that it spread so wide??...its a bit, well, daunting....but, comforting as well

I've started to work on a new song, don't quite know exactly how it goes...but, when I find out, you will be the first to know, journal....

How can I even write how I feel? How do I feel.....
At first, betrayal, pain, from the fact that he was with her, that he even had gained a daughter, without telling me before, that he was falling in love...Aryana is a dear, dear friend of mine, which only made the pain all the worse. How could I feel jealous, when I knew some of her own pain? So, I tried to pretend, to act as though it didn't hurt, to make it easier, for everyone. I thought, if I tried hard enough, I could fool myself, and in doing so, fool everyone else...but, I could not....
So, Trip found me, a drink in my hand, though I lacked half the will to even take a sip. I cannot help but be human-I just didn't want Ryann to know....of all the things, I didn't want him to see me cry....After talking a bit with Trip, I felt a little less....crazy. I really wanted to talk to Shawna, but she had to rest. I began to just wander around, and ended up in Ryndall...staring up at the sky, thinking....crying...letting go...and, there he was, standing there...I walked away quickly, thinking my eyes were playing tricks, but there he was. And I knew, I could not hide...I needed to make this final, to let it go...
But, he seemed angry...angry at Trip, of all people!!! I told him, no, that wasn't it...and, then he saw my face...my tearstained face. That which I didn't want him to see, for to inspire guilt for his actions was the last thing I wanted to do. And as he stood there, so broken looking, I could see what he was going to do, as though it was stretched out before me....He still loved me....I stopped him, before he could say the words.

How terribly cruel of him, to show me his daughter, and in the same day attempt to gain me back...but, by those very actions, he lost me. By his indecisiveness and love as swaying as the winds, he lost me, forever....I tried my poor best to convince him to stay with Ary and Idria...but, I'm afraid....afraid of how this will end, and of what role I have played in it....

Don't think I could have been more surprised if someone had dumped cold water on me...
Ryann asked to speak with me at Cerbies, and I gladly came...we..hadn't talked much lately, both of us having been away and such...but, I never would have thought, him and Aryana...

I know, Aryana had faced some rather sad moments, with Cerdinak leaving and all...and I never really thought about her not feeling overly sad at his leaving. I thought it was just cause of her having her daughter...but, she also had Ryann I suppose...Not that I blame her or anything, they both have my congrats...

But, when he said that to me, I don't think I truly heard him....it seemed to echo, from miles and miles away...and, I'm not truly that strong.....It was either laugh, or cry, and I hate being weak...so, I laughed lightly, saying it was alright, but, I just wanted him to leave, leave my alone to absorb the words in quite...He has a daughter now, sweet thing.....